Modern Day Neuroses

Posted on February 6, 2008
Filed Under snark | 12 Comments

While perusing the stack of books My Better Half keeps stashed beside the toilet, I came across one of his favorite distractions- The Book of Lists. No matter which page you open to, you’ll find a bit of trivia that will make your trip to the bathroom just a little longer and a heap more interesting. Today’s perusal unearthed 19 New Neuroses. Nowhere does it say that these things are contagious but given that either I or someone I know suffers from most of the ailments listed, I’m just about convinced.

Acquired Situational Narcissism, an adult-onset form of narcissism characterized by grandiosity, lack of empathy, rage, isolation and substance abuse that mainly afflicts celebrities who tend to be surrounded by enablers.

Okay, so I’m no celebrity and the people I know tend to discourage my attempts to drink scotch or free base cocaine before noon. I can still think of at least one hundred examples of the Situational Narcissist most of whom find themselves on the cover of In Touch and People, photographed by the paparazzi while on their way to rehab or a private mental hospital. Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan and Nicole Richie immediately come to mind.

Anglolalia, the uncontrollable urge to affect a British accent.

The entry tags Madonna as an example but thankfully leaves off the fact that after a day of volunteering in the classroom with my Mom friend, Mary, who hails from London and utters phrases like isn’t she a poppet or they were just having a bit of a knock about, I find myself making suspiciously British remarks. I have no idea what a poppet or a knock about is but it’s all got dramatic understatement and a civilized tone. These Britishims just sort of roll off the tongue and make me sound intelligent. I can’t resist.

Pronia, the irrational belief that people like you.

I’m quite sure that most people find me annoyingly keen and self satisfied. I don’t suffer delusions of grandeur. But there are quite a few utter ass pimples in my life that actually think themselves popular and well liked when, in fact, they are mostly hated. Think Ricky Gervais doing the David Brent character from The Office.

Merchandise as Medication

I’m no shopper but I am married to the son of the world’s most accomplished Retail Therapist. I benefit from the merchandise that serves as medication for discomfort, stress and general boredom.

Nanny Envy, Resentment of your nanny because of all the time she spends with your children when you can’t OR envy of your friends who can afford a nanny when you can’t.

Me, oh me, the latter group. And that goes for house keepers too.

Relational Aggression, a constellation of catty behaviors including ridicule, ostracism and gossip-mongering whereby women vent mutual hostilities. Studies show that females, though physically less aggressive than males, are more socially aware, and therefore use that savvy to covertly and ruthlessly jockey for position.

Anyone who is female and harbors any memory of high school can relate to this one. Anyone who is female and has joined a play group or a book group or a tennis group or a country club can attest to the fact that this behavior persists well into adulthood. I’m not naming names, but those Queen Bees are still out there, some fifteen years post-prom.

Internet Addiction Disorder, the uncontrollable urge to spend all day on-line.