Modern Day Neuroses
Posted on February 6, 2008
Filed Under snark, neurosis |
While perusing the stack of books My Better Half keeps stashed beside the toilet, I came across one of his favorite distractions- The Book of Lists. No matter which page you open to, you’ll find a bit of trivia that will make your trip to the bathroom just a little longer and a heap more interesting. Today’s perusal unearthed 19 New Neuroses. Nowhere does it say that these things are contagious but given that either I or someone I know suffers from most of the ailments listed, I’m just about convinced.
Acquired Situational Narcissism, an adult-onset form of narcissism characterized by grandiosity, lack of empathy, rage, isolation and substance abuse that mainly afflicts celebrities who tend to be surrounded by enablers.
Okay, so I’m no celebrity and the people I know tend to discourage my attempts to drink scotch or free base cocaine before noon. I can still think of at least one hundred examples of the Situational Narcissist most of whom find themselves on the cover of In Touch and People, photographed by the paparazzi while on their way to rehab or a private mental hospital. Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan and Nicole Richie immediately come to mind.
Anglolalia, the uncontrollable urge to affect a British accent.
The entry tags Madonna as an example but thankfully leaves off the fact that after a day of volunteering in the classroom with my Mom friend, Mary, who hails from London and utters phrases like isn’t she a poppet or they were just having a bit of a knock about, I find myself making suspiciously British remarks. I have no idea what a poppet or a knock about is but it’s all got dramatic understatement and a civilized tone. These Britishims just sort of roll off the tongue and make me sound intelligent. I can’t resist.
Pronia, the irrational belief that people like you.
I’m quite sure that most people find me annoyingly keen and self satisfied. I don’t suffer delusions of grandeur. But there are quite a few utter ass pimples in my life that actually think themselves popular and well liked when, in fact, they are mostly hated. Think Ricky Gervais doing the David Brent character from The Office.
Merchandise as Medication
I’m no shopper but I am married to the son of the world’s most accomplished Retail Therapist. I benefit from the merchandise that serves as medication for discomfort, stress and general boredom.
Nanny Envy, Resentment of your nanny because of all the time she spends with your children when you can’t OR envy of your friends who can afford a nanny when you can’t.
Me, oh me, the latter group. And that goes for house keepers too.
Relational Aggression, a constellation of catty behaviors including ridicule, ostracism and gossip-mongering whereby women vent mutual hostilities. Studies show that females, though physically less aggressive than males, are more socially aware, and therefore use that savvy to covertly and ruthlessly jockey for position.
Anyone who is female and harbors any memory of high school can relate to this one. Anyone who is female and has joined a play group or a book group or a tennis group or a country club can attest to the fact that this behavior persists well into adulthood. I’m not naming names, but those Queen Bees are still out there, some fifteen years post-prom.
Internet Addiction Disorder, the uncontrollable urge to spend all day on-line.
Need I say more?
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12 Responses to “Modern Day Neuroses”
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Internet Addiction Disorder…it’s the new ADD. Fingers crossed that there’s a drug for this?
This was funny stuff.
Those are fantastic!
so, it probably counts against me that i covertly checked my email and responded to blog comments twice while out for coffee with a friend?
How could I have forgotten to add THE big one:
Cyberchondria: hyperchondria resulting from seeing one’s symptoms on a medical website. I have self diagnosed the following medical conditions in the last year alone, celiac disease, patella tendinitis, ovarian cancer, tuberculosis, a brain tumor and hyperhydrosis. Who needs real MD’s when there’s webMD?
Hm. I used to think it was just my personality. Now you’re telling me that these are actually neuroses? Didn’t anyone tell you that awareness needs to be doled out gradually?
These are pretty hilarious (and so is the image of you blogging from the bathroom, balancing laptop and book of lists while precariously perched, reassuring impatient family members, “I’ll be right out!”).
I’m a WebMD fanatic… much easier on the pocketbook!
Relational Aggression: I’m so glad there’s an official name for it. I just call it Being Highschoolish–and it certainly does last in EVERY group of women I’ve belonged to (which is why I don’t belong to many).
check.
check.
check.
check.
4 out of 7 is bad isn’t it.
i am not telling either.
so there is a name for it.
and yes, who needs an MD when you have WebMD indeed.
Oh how I envy my friends with housekeepers. Or even bi-monthly cleaning services. There are some days (all of them) when you just don’t want to stare at a less-than-prisine toilet bowl.
I’ve also diagnosed myself with cancer at least three times in the past year, thanks to Google.
Oh my God, the last guy I dated had acquired situational narcissism! And I thought he was just being a jerk. I was going to send him a Valentine’s card but I think I’ll blow up a photo of him and put lipstick kisses all over it instead.
these are GREAT.
crap. I need to find a good therapist…was that the next list in the book?