Death By Tennis Ball
Posted on January 23, 2008
Filed Under suburban joys, snark, milestones, tennis, apology |
Now that I’ve made my apologies and have been forgiven for taking our whole parenting dilemma public, I can concentrate on other apologies like the one I must issue to the woman I almost killed yesterday. It was nearly death by tennis ball which doesn’t happen too often and has me wondering if I should take out an insurance policy in case I drill another overhead at someone’s windpipe.
Really, it’s not where I meant to put the ball. I was aiming for her feet. The best laid plans. And to make matters worse, for some inexplicable reason she was actually watching something else take place on another court. There was none of the defensive crouching, ducking, raising of one’s racket that is the usual method of avoiding an overhead smash. She was just standing there, staring off into the distance when I smacked the ball at 90 miles per hour at her head. It caught her square in the neck and I’m not kidding when I say that my heart lurched. I shrieked while she made no sound. She was silent, gasping for air. Apparently it’s difficult to even whimper when your Adam’s Apple has been jarred to the back of your throat. For a second I thought I had shattered her windpipe. Scenes of ambulances and emergency surgeries and law suits flashed through my mind.
But the tennis practice continued. She swallowed hard a few times and applied a cold compress to the bruise. And finished the game we had started before the near-death experience.
I have calls in to the tennis club manager to inquire about club policy if one player should kill or severely maim another during routine play. Believe me, I’ve already looked through my club handbook and nowhere is the issue clearly addressed.
I think I’ll sit back and let the pros do the smashing for the afternoon. Hopefully, my victim is watching the Australian Open from the safety of her own living room and contemplating what wonderful things she’ll accomplish with the rest of her days, having come so close to an instant snuffing. We are all but one step away, one step away.
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6 Responses to “Death By Tennis Ball”
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“we are all but one step away from an instant snuffing”
(sounds like words from a latest hit)
You are too funny. I wonder if maybe you should just start a apology blog until you work out these issues with your various partners. Insurance? Maybe. Or maybe you could just have your serve registed as a lethal weapon. If that didn’t add cool points to your son’s assessment of you, nothing would.
I am always one, dangerous racquetball away from death.
90 mph?? Okay, I was watching the Australian Open earlier and thought that either they fudge those numbers or mere mortals are unable to make anything go that fast, let alone get a racquet on them. You know what that means right? You’re no mere mortal.
I wish I could serve at 90 MPH but it was really an overhead which is different and somewhat faster given that the ball is already in play and therefore is already traveling with some velocity before it is struck. And, okay, since I’m honest, maybe it was 80 MPH and I’ve embellished for dramatic effect.
Wow-another tennis playing blogger. We are a rare breed!
Don’t feel bad-it happens, as a matter of fact I got slammed in the adam’s apple with an overheard smash a few years back. I remember everything went black for a minute and then when the fog subsided everyone was standing there staring at me with their mouths hanging open. I wasn’t mad, it was my own fault for not ducking. TENNIS IS SO MUCH FUN! (Even when you get smashed!)