Death By Tennis Ball
Posted on January 23, 2008
Filed Under milestones, snark, suburban joys | 6 Comments
Now that I’ve made my apologies and have been forgiven for taking our whole parenting dilemma public, I can concentrate on other apologies like the one I must issue to the woman I almost killed yesterday. It was nearly death by tennis ball which doesn’t happen too often and has me wondering if I should take out an insurance policy in case I drill another overhead at someone’s windpipe.
Really, it’s not where I meant to put the ball. I was aiming for her feet. The best laid plans. And to make matters worse, for some inexplicable reason she was actually watching something else take place on another court. There was none of the defensive crouching, ducking, raising of one’s racket that is the usual method of avoiding an overhead smash. She was just standing there, staring off into the distance when I smacked the ball at 90 miles per hour at her head. It caught her square in the neck and I’m not kidding when I say that my heart lurched. I shrieked while she made no sound. She was silent, gasping for air. Apparently it’s difficult to even whimper when your Adam’s Apple has been jarred to the back of your throat. For a second I thought I had shattered her windpipe. Scenes of ambulances and emergency surgeries and law suits flashed through my mind.
But the tennis practice continued. She swallowed hard a few times and applied a cold compress to the bruise. And finished the game we had started before the near-death experience.
I have calls in to the tennis club manager to inquire about club policy if one player should kill or severely maim another during routine play. Believe me, I’ve already looked through my club handbook and nowhere is the issue clearly addressed.
I think I’ll sit back and let the pros do the smashing for the afternoon. Hopefully, my victim is watching the Australian Open from the safety of her own living room and contemplating what wonderful things she’ll accomplish with the rest of her days, having come so close to an instant snuffing. We are all but one step away, one step away.
Comments
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
