Closed for business
Posted on October 3, 2007
Filed Under marriage, snark, sex, another dread disease |
Hooray!!!! Yippeee!!!!! Great God Almighty, he actually made the call without my having to ask him more than twice. There were no fisticuffs in the Madmarriage household last night. And I bit my tongue and didn’t say, See how easy and nice things can be when you actually accomplish necessary tasks in a timely manner. I figured that such commentary would sour the victory and, perhaps result in fisticuffs, which I’ve just finished saying we’ve successfully avoided.
When I took a step back to dissect the day, retracing the time line of events to determine how to approach these problems in the same effective manner again (what works bears repeating), I was struck by the truth. There was one obvious ‘thing’ that made my urging and reminders effective - that ‘thing’ was sex.
Even though this ’sex’ strategy was not a deliberate plan, concocted to ensure he’d resolve the conflict surrounding his changed policy number, it seems that my rebuffing his recent attempts to ‘faire amour’ has provided motivation for him to please me. He figures, I make her happy and she’ll show me just how sexy she finds my binding life insurance.
I can’t believe I’m just figuring it out, after ten years I’ve finally connected the dot. He who hopes to get lucky crosses thing off the to-do list with great gusto.
I’ve been feeling ill and tired lately ( a bit off my game). And after googling my vague and common symptoms, I have become convinced that I am dying of some terminal disease. This is the beauty of the internet. It’s such a simple leap from sore throat to Ovarian cancer. It takes less than two minutes to make the self-diagnosis. It follows that, since I’m dying of advanced, metastasized cancer, I have little interest in sex - it’s been a few weeks.
Coincidently, in the few weeks that I’ve been convalescing, My Better Half has finished painting the side of the house, has been seen folding the laundry on several occasions and has even woken early enough to send the kids off to school on two occasions. Currently he is reading them a bedtime story…this abstinence thing works wonders.
The only catch is, having done all these good deeds, he will tuck the children into bed and slink downstairs to stand beside my computer where he will look at me longingly, with pleading bedroom eyes. And, well, I couldn’t possibly entertain his advances. I just ate too much and have several hundred blogs to read and, of course, there’s that lingering terminal illness.
So I struggle. If I continue to withhold favors will his efforts increase (I mean, my car needs a good cleaning and the basement needs organizing and a back rub would be nice) or will all the partnership and domestic help eventually cease as hopes dwindle and longing fades to desperation and resentment?
How long is too long?
I know I’m not alone. Those of you who have also been married for several hundred years must recognize the situation I describe. Please, pass some wisdom along.
Until then I’ll send My Better Half the link to the Flight of the Conchords video, Business Time. So apt, so bitingly true. It’ll make him feel better. He’s not missing much. I, too, wear oversized team building t-shirts to bed and leap up in the midst of the action, remembering that it’s recycling day. (If you all have been under a rock for the past year and haven’t seen this clip, you must head on over and check it out. It’s absolutely hilarious.)
Until future notice, I’m still closed for business.
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