Madmarriage Day Camp - Any takers?
Posted on May 26, 2007
Filed Under kids, parenting, suburban joys, snark, summer camp |
By Jane has made a great suggestion…one I hadn’t thought of and am delighted to entertain. She has suggested that instead of bellyaching about just how terrible the summer will be, I should actually plan each day as if O and G were attending day camp. Excellent idea, By Jane. I’m excited about this. MadMarriage Day Camp is gonna be the bomb.
So far, the Madmarriage daycamp itinerary will be as follows:
Morning reveille no earlier than nine a.m. (all children will be barricaded behind bedroom doors until that humane hour regardless of whining, knocking or attempts to climb out of windows).
9-10 a.m. Children will learn the value of blog surfing; watching their camp counselor catch up on newsworthy events on familiar blogs while begging camp counselor to PLEASE get them something to eat. (She will mutter something like, “Get it your damn selves” under her breath and then blog about hating her role as camp counselor.)
10-12 a.m. All children will be expected to participate in a rousing game of spread the mulch. This is an activity which will allow the children to study the various flora and fauna that have taken up residence in the mound of pine bark that’s been sitting on the driveway since early May. Toads, centipedes, spiders, carpenter ants, no end to creepy crawlies, and enough toil and misery to earn them valuable scarring memories about which to bitch in psychotherapy later in life.
12-2 p.m. An altered version of Kick the Can will be played, in which children are set free to roam around the neighborhood knocking on doors and begging some other parent to entertain them for a few hours. This activity is meant to engender independence and resilience and hone their begging (I mean social skills) as well as offer a reprieve from the camp counselor who is now ready to administer spankings and time outs at a moment’s notice.
2-3 p.m. Children return to campus to whine and loll about and drag on camp counselor’s sleeves while supposedly “having quiet time” in their rooms. This is the perfect opportunity for children to daydream or play lego or write on the walls of their closets “SOS- My house is SOOOO boring. Please, someone save me!”
3-4 p.m. It’s scavenger hunt time. All children will be piled into the car and the hunt will begin. Cleverly, the camp counselor will be sure that each hunt takes place in familiar local settings to include: grocery store, Home Depot, Marshalls and the Post Office. Patience, perseverance and respect for authority will be topics addressed during this daily activity.
4-5 p.m. Children will be parked in front of a computer screen and asked to remain there until coming up with a clever topic for the camp counselor’s daily blog-posting. If this task is completed too quickly the child will then be asked to write the post while the camp counselor tucks into a huge cocktail.
ll 5-7 p.m. Evening will be spent playing a sort of dodgeball that CCE has dubbed Dodge the Blood Suckers. All children will conduct evening weeding exercises while enjoying the cool beauty of a summer evening and jogging in place to avoid great drifts of mosquitoes that are, frankly, an important part of the camp experience.
7-8 p.m. All children are required to scrub the filth of the day from scabby knees and from under fingernails. There will be nightly inspections to ensure that scrubbing has been adequately conducted.
8-8:15 p.m. Camp counselor will see that all children are safely in bed, squashing all requests for water or another story.
8:15-10 p.m. Camp counselor will tuck into another cocktail and proceed to get very drunk before falling asleep on the couch while watching back episodes of The Shield.
Stay tuned for an update on changes of schedule and additional activities offered throughout the summer.
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