to share or not to share
Posted on April 18, 2007
Filed Under kids, parenting, environmental crisis, education |
When surfing the blogs this morning I read Allison’s touching post on sharing the VA Tech tragedy with her three small children. While her readership applauded her honesty and her candor with her children, I couldn’t help but feel resolve to keep my own kids sheltered from this news. While I rarely watch cable or network news, I often listen to National Public Radio while driving. O and G hear all kinds of unpleasantness about Iraq, Israel and Palestine, China, North Korea, Africa, the dangers of global warming, etc. But this week, NPR, like all major news sources is almost exclusively reporting on the VA Tech tragedy. So this week I will not be listening to NPR with my children. I have given this decision a lot of thought and, after much dissecting, can think of nothing my children might learn from this senseless tragedy but fear, fear of something they are powerless against, senseless violence carried out by one young man who was mentally disturbed.
After we listen to coverage about the war in Iraq we discuss the decisions our President and his advisers have made to cause the loss of lives, both Iraqi and American. In turn we discuss how American leadership is chosen through “fair” and free elections and the results of the election dictates the lives of many, both here and abroad. I instill the idea that just a few votes for the Gore or Kerry and there would have been no misguided war at all. I am comfortable exposing them to our bungling in Iraq because they are learning about choices and democracy and the importance of being politically engaged, in exercising their right to vote when they are of age. We discuss Iraq as proof that even the greatest nation on Earth can cede the moral high ground to fundamentalists and tyrants when we eschew diplomacy and embrace violence.
We talk about global warming and how, we, as humans effect every species on earth. If we decide to be wasteful and greedy then the planet suffers. We have choices, personal choices about energy use and the lives we lead, that directly effect the health of our host and our fellow tenants on Earth. We talk, again, about politics and the importance of voting for candidates we think will adapt environmental policies to help save the planet. We replace our incandescent light bulbs with the CFL variety even though we feel like we are now living at Waffle House. This is a symbolic gesture of individual sacrifice for the greater good.
I even allow a certain amount of information about Al Queada past the parental firewall because I think that they should know that all fundamentalism is, at it’s root, entirely absurd and irrational and ultimately very dangerous. We use the opportunity to speak about religion as personal choice. I express that there is no absolute right or wrong when it comes to worship. I point out that Al Queada has chosen to wage a Holy War against non-fundamental Muslims because they have been carried away by their own personal beliefs, have come to think of their personal religion as absolute. They will impose their will on innocent victims because they are sick with fundamentalism. We have these conversations so that O and G realize that whatever they grow up to believe, that their notion of God is only their notion of God; no more, no less; a personal choice that every human being has a right to.
So I just can’t think of anything, anything at all useful or worldly or important that they might learn from the VA Tech tragedy save for sadness and despair. I suppose we could talk about gun control but I don’t believe that gun control would have prevented this tragedy. The shooter went on a premeditated killing spree. I’m sure he would have been patient and wily about finding his weapon, no matter the obstacles he faced. I guess we could discuss the fact that we are all fragile and our time here is temporary and that we exist only because human beings honor an unspoken, do-no-harm agreement that ensures we don’t kill one another over parking spots and designer hand bags; that there are a few sick people that are unable to stick to the agreement because they are suffering some delusion that erroneously justifies blood shed. But really, what are we gaining by having this conversation? Another year, another moment without this knowledge does my children no harm that I can see. Sometimes ignorance is bliss especially when it saves a child from an anxiety and feeling of powerlessness that cannot be remedied or explained away through rational discourse. In my opinion, they will live much of their life perfectly aware that senseless tragedy occurs daily, no need to hustle them towards this realization.
(I re-reading, I realize I have inadvertently written a short essay about how will not discuss the VA Tech tragedy with my children because I can find no way to blame it on George Bush or the idiots who voted for him….food for thought.)
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11 Responses to “to share or not to share”
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I’ve not talked about it with Ben, and he’s soon to be 10.
I tell him quite a bit about the world these days; I knew quite a bit when I was his age.
But you’re right. I don’t want him to know, just yet, about how random and senseless life can be. Take 9/11. As horrifying as it was, there was an ideology (a demented, sick, crazy ideology, to be sure) motivating it.
Here? Just insanity.
I can’t bring myself to share that with him yet.
cce,
Very nicely written. Your kids are lucky to have such a thoughtful mom.
At some point kids need to know that there is more noise than signal in the universe. Things happen that offer no learning, make no sense, and can be wondrous or tragic. As much as we hate to admit it, a lot of life is like this. What is the great Colette quote?
“A happy childhood is poor preparation for human contacts.”
Random, inexplicable events define life at least as much as routine and sensible events.
Ron,
As you say, “at some point kids need to know…” The key is determining that point.
Obviously, what you tell a 10 year old is different from what you tell a 5 year old. And children of the same age may be more or less capable of dealing with tragic “noise.”
We’re not discussing it with our six-year old child- hence no NPR. To me, the VA-Tech are the height of senselessness. What is there to say?
very thoughtful, cce. i agree with you entirely. we have the same conversations at our house about religion, the war, politics, the environment. my son believes in god while my husband does not so we leave lots of room for discussion and independent thinking.
but this, i agree, would just make him more fearful and more anxious. it’s hard enough for me to hide my “super fear” of kidnapping (which i am sure i have failed miserably at, leaving him anxious about any stranger that he encounters).
my problem is, what if he hears about this at school? many of his friends have older siblings and i am quite sure they are talking about it.
is it better to talk about it as best we can at home? do i wait for him to ask me about it (so far, he hasn’t)?
gws,
Well put. With bedtime stories like that, who would need horror movies?
cce - just so you know, I’ve tagged you with a meme. Feel welcome but not obligated to accept.
I’m impressed with the thought you’ve put into protecting your children. Thankfully our son is so young, he doesn’t even grasp the war and all that. I know someday we will need to address all those things with him and you’ve given me something to think about.
“Sometimes ignorance is bliss especially when it saves a child from an anxiety and feeling of powerlessness that cannot be remedied or explained away through rational discourse.”
I adore this sentence. Thank you.
It’s a good sentence. But I think I can add that certain “je ne sais quoi.”
“Sometimes ignorance is bliss especially when it saves a child from an anxiety and feeling of powerlessness that cannot be remedied or explained away through rational discourse, years of therapy or massive doses of psychotropic medication.”
As an elementary school principal I couldn’t agree more with this post. I have spent time in the last couple of days making sure that the Virginia Tech tradegy was not discussed in my school. There is nothing my students could do to prevent such incidents, there is no great moral lesson to be learned, there is only pain and sorrow. Children do not need to worry about these issues. Their very powerlessness in these situations makes them especially vulnerable to excessive stress as a result. It is sad that no one was able to help this young man but it was not from a lack of trying. It is terrible that so many people in Blacksburg have suffered. There is no need for the children at my school to suffer vicariously.
Hello there. I usually comment from my other blog The Wink. I am here to let you know over at Tumble Dry I nominated you for the Thinking Blogger Award.
http://lifewithbriar.blogspot.com/2007/04/i-think-i-love-you.html
Every day when I read this blog, I think “I love this blog” (along with Dooce and Momtinis). But today, you have given me a new level of role model to aspire to if I ever get around to having kids. Oh, and Anymouse makes me chuckle.