one size does not fit all
Posted on April 13, 2007
Filed Under marriage, parenting, career |
Leslie Bennetts’ book “The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much?” has finally penetrated my brain. I’ve been trying hard to ignore the storm around this book. But today it just proved impossible to shut it out any longer. (Forgive me, I know I’m late to this party but sometimes I can’t help myself). First I read a review of the book while spending a few hours at the salon. I didn’t pay too much attention to the review as I was reading People magazine, looking for tidbits on Brangelina, not intelligent literary review. But then, having had my frivolous salon moment, I turned to weighter tomes and came across this week’s New Yorker Book Review. Thankfully Rebecca Mead pulls no punches and dissects the premise of the book rather thoroughly. I feel vindicated, someone smarter than myself is also irked by Bennetts’ proselytizing.
Bennetts’ theory goes something like this…opting to stay at home and raise children rather than remain in the workforce is like playing Russian roulette. The working husband up and dies or runs off with his secretary and, bang, a bullet in the head. The silly, delusional house wife and her children are destitute, depressed, homeless, hard-up.
And I suppose she’d have a point if the inherent nature of marriage and procreation and care for family wasn’t, as Mead points out, “an entirely faith-based enterprise,” something we all commit to with a giant leap and a lot of compromise. Bennett prefers to talk about economics as the basis for her thesis because to talk about the complexity of modern marriage and the fragile emotional dependency on which it is based is far too tall a topic for a book that simply attacks women for making choices different than her own.
I haven’t read Bennett’s book, nor will I, but Mead points out that Bennetts’ treatise centers around her own unique experience…she has a spouse that shares the parenting load, she can afford good childcare and has a job she loves that affords her flex hours and fabulous lunch dates with celebrities (Bennett is a Vanity Fair reporter). Well sign me up.
In truth, the real rub is Bennetts’ earnest belief that she knows what’s best for ALL women. I’m so tired of the one size fits all notion of motherhood. I think that Leslie Bennett and I have the same anatomical parts and that’s about all we share.
Just her pedantic tone is enough to make me stop listening. Here’s Bennett defending her book,
“My goal in writing The Feminine Mistake was to provide women with what I saw as one-stop-shopping that would help close this information gap. My goal was to gather into a single neat package all the financial, legal, sociological, psychological, medical, labor-force, child-rearing and other information necessary for them to protect themselves.”
Salon’s Joan Walsh puts it rather succinctly in her review of the book.
“Bennetts is trying to rehabilitate “have it all” feminism, which I think was retired with good reason years ago. It’s very, very tricky to have it all — great careers, great kids, great marriages. It’s possible to have all three, but rarely all three at once.
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. We’re damned if we do, we’re damned if we don’t (work that is). So let us the bleep alone with our questionable decisions and our good intentions and our crippling guilt and let the ‘Feminine Mistake’ thing rest. Now I’m off to check on My Better Half’s life insurance policy and when I’m done with that I’m going to research divorce attorneys and after that I’m going to apply for Leslie Bennetts job.
Comments
17 Responses to “one size does not fit all”
Leave a Reply
Yes, yes, and yes. Such an arrogant premise for a book.
Too bad Amazon is busy up in the middle of your post trying to promote the book.
slouching mom…uhmm, that’s actually me sticking in the amazon ad. It seems only fair to allow readers full access and purchasing rights to the damn thing. If you want it then you should have it. I am sooo not telling anyone what they should think on the topic because, as I’ve said before, I really don’t like anyone pretending they have all the answers. So after ripping her book I thought it only fair treatment to include its Amazon link, as I do all other books I talk about.
p.s. Y’all must head down to comment section on the beer pong post…my first hateful visitor. “Prep school ho and rich skank” all in two short sentences. Thank you, Jack. I’m a real blogger now!
cce:
Your tone suggests a certain disdain for economic analysis. To this I’d say, don’t throw the baby out with the bath-water. Economics writ large, is simply the art of weighing options. Bennett seems to undervalue the benefits of stay at home moms while over-valuing the costs. This raises the old adage “garbage in, garbage out.”
From the review:
To this I would say, duh. But, to echo Mead, simply because one’s bike may be stolen doesn’t mean you sell it off. Rather, you bring it in at night, carry a lock, and avoid theft prone areas.
Finally… any spouse who stays at home in reliance upon the other’s earnings should have a back-up plan.
If your spouse worked for a small company where the death of a major stake-holder could be financially catastrophic, the company and/or individuals could take out insurance on those critical stake-holders.
You should certainly insure your spouse if you are wholly reliant upon their earnings… And beyond life insurance, you should consider insuring against anything that might prevent your spouse from earning a living.
Another smartly written post, with just the proper edge of fatigue to make your role as mom completely credible. I’ve often said that marriage is the most custom of institutions - it turns out slightly different for every couple. I had never before thought the obvious: the same is true for raising children. (I know. I know. That’s a “duh.” It … just … well, you know.)
From what you write, it occurs to me that Bennetts stopped short. She should not have merely recommended that everyone have a fabulous marriage, career, and children. She should have recommended that we all become fabulously rich. I, personally, could use such a recommendation.
Me too, Ron. We all should become fabulously rich and meet her for lunches in swank restaurants while the Brazilian nannies tend to the children at home.
re: any spouse who stays at home in reliance upon the other’s earnings should have a back-up plan.
Back-up plan:
Me: “Steve…is your life insurance up-to-date?”
Steve:”I don’t know, you are the one in charge of paying the bills”
(CCE, I swear to God this exact conversation came up today BEFORE I read this)
re: beyond life insurance, you should consider insuring against anything that might prevent your spouse from earning a living. (check)
hope you are feeling better. i have a great book for you to read (if you have not already done so)
its “hypocrite in a pouffy white dress” by susan jane gilman. author of “kiss my tiara”
life insurance? hmmmm.
i should be scared, but i’ll choose not to be.
oh, and AMEN.
I watched Bennet on the Today Show, something I am less and less inclined to admit to watching, or even continue watching. There are valid points but I agree that it is simply impossible to present a one size fits all, unless of course we are talking about something like what you said about being able to accomplish the trifecta if you add up isolated instances of success on individual fronts.
And the insult, wow, that’s pretty incredible. I suppose the Blog Scout badge for that might look something like a smear of birdshit on a monitor, right?
I’m not hateful. All I was saying was that you seem to be recommending high school students do all sorts of self-destructive things, and that they will turn out fine. For most people, this is NOT the case.
And you’re welcome.;)
In addition, I would expect a 30-something intelligent woman to refrain from profanity.
I agree Jack.
But I’ve met cce and, sad as it is to say, she’ll probably be telling people to fuck off well into her 80’s. Seriously, 50 years from now some old-fart in the nursing home will pinch her ass. She’ll knee-cap him with her cane, tell him to go fuck himself, then crack his skull.
I mean she writes all pretty, but we need to keep a close eye on these uppity ladies.
Dude, I hope you’re kidding… she didn’t even tell me to “fuck off”. I was just talking about her blog in general. Is she really a nasty person like you say? You should try to pinch her ass next time you meet her and find out.
Dude, it’s sarcasm. But yeah she’s nasty… fangs like needles, sleeps upside down in her attic… the whole bit. Don’t cross her in a bake-off- it’ll be your last.
I bet she’s good in the sack though.
ok, cce, wtf is going on in your comments? they’re so entertaining!
oh, and duh. that’s only fair of you, to link to the book. my bad. that’s called knee-jerk, slouching mom.
what annoys me most about this book is its oh so very rational, economic-based premise. ERK - really - should we think of marriages - which are primarily emotional relationships (aren’t they?) in such clinical - best possible financial outcome for me - terms??????