doctor, please supersize my…
Posted on March 12, 2007
Filed Under marriage, snark, sex |
I have had a few days to struggle with the topic of vaginal rejuvenation and have mentally exhausted the topic. My first response to the notion of plastic surgery on one’s ying-yang was, well, rather liberal and open minded, like why the hell not? If you’re one of the unfortunate 16% of women who can’t achieve orgasm even through masturbation, then by all means, supersize that clitoris. Really, I feel that those who’ve never experienced orgasm should use whatever means available to get themselves there.
But then, probing the topic (pun intended) a bit further, I discovered the truth about this surgery. There seems to be two types of “clients” that hire these male surgeons who specialize in vaginal rejuvenation: those that no longer achieve orgasm with a partner that they once found adequately stimulating, and those that feel that their veejejay isn’t as beautiful as they would like it to be.
Whether you’re the type that no longer looks forward to getting it on with your long-time partner or you’re the kind that frets about your vagina having lost its youthful appearance, either way, your decision to endure cosmetic surgery on your privates would seem a suspiciously dramatic reaction to your dilemma. I smell pervasive male attitude and can’t help but wonder who’s really behind the push for prettier, more responsive vaginas? Doesn’t it seem an entirely male idea that if your female partner fails to climax each time you spend three minutes stroking her thigh and moaning into the pillowcase before you get yourself off on her leg, there must be something wrong with her equipment?
Could I suggest dinner and a movie, taking out the trash, depositing your paycheck on time and not leaving a pile of dirty laundry at the foot of the bed. I know you guys might think that nothing says “I love you” like a pair of dirty underwear on the bathroom floor and late credit card payments that result in $50 penalties, but I can assure you that your partner’s inability to climax has something to do with the fact that you’ve put on 35 pounds since the wedding and your idea of a sit-up is reaching for another slice of pizza that’s just out of reach on the coffee table.
And, fellow females, if your partner really can’t make some simple adjustments like picking up after himself, working out twice a week and preparing a meal or two in order to improve your relations, you may be tempted to purchase a little device called the Slightest Touch. For a mere $139.95 this Slightest Touch with its batteries and electrodes and wires and a very sexy humming sound akin to fluorescent lighting or the dishwasher, promises that when the female drinks 12 ounces of Gatorade, washes her inner ankles, smears gel used for conductivity on her ankles and attaches electrodes to cleaned and gel-smeared ankles, and then sits there while enduring 30 minutes of only the slightest electrocution before commencing the sexual act, will only require minutes of foreplay, beating the male to orgasm and achieving many orgasms immediately thereafter with minimal amounts of effort. If this sounds inherently unsexy (the thing about the electrodes and the Gatorade and the electrocution), then you must be female because males see nothing wrong with this method of foreplay. And if it seems like wishful thinking, that’s because it is. As for the money back guarantee offered, I wouldn’t know because this of course is all conjecture and heresy. I have no real experience with the device in question, really, I swear.
So, you’re still considering vaginal rejuvenation because your partner refuses to do laundry and join the gym, and electrodes and Gatorade are a definite buzz kill. If you’ve already had rhinoplasty and had a boob job, removed a rib and peeled off your face and had it reattached, wrinkle free, then you’ve probably exhausted all other re constructive possibilities and are just dying to spend that $5000 that’s burning a hole in your pocket. Sounds like you’re going to do this thing so you might as well indulge the male perspective for a minute. Anonymous, who is entirely male, suggests you consider some sort of reconstruction that, “guarantees stimulation without having to shout instructions. For example, a gifted surgeon might construct a flap to the vagina connected to a lever which spins a silicone nubbin mounted directly above and in contact with the clitoris he’s just supersized. Any act of penetration would suffice to spin the nubbin and satisfy all concerned. Certainly, nubbins could be replaced depending upon mood and energy level; metal for angry, smooth quartz for relaxed and ready, oversized wood paddles for the elderly.”
And if you’re one of those individuals having this surgery because you fear your labia are just not attractive enough, let anonymous remind you that, “very few men really care what “it” looks like. A woman could tattoo a smiley face to her %&@# and most men wouldn’t notice much less care.”
Smiley faces and paddles aside, there are a few sad individuals that have this surgery in order to restore their hymen. Occasionally this is a manifestation of cultural expectations having to do with virginity but mostly it’s a gift some very psychotic women decide to give their husbands. I guess they cherish the memory of searing pain and sweaty humping in the back of Jimmy Lukens Toronado with the pleather seats that smelled of cat piss. Whoever feels that the moment of losing their virginity is an interlude they’re willing to pay $5000 to recreate, had a very different experience than I.
No matter your reasons, please, before calling your local vaginal rejuvenation clinic, see the attached photo of “Doctor Labia” because he’s the guy who will be working between your legs for a couple hours with a laser. Now if he’s not the picture of medical reliability!
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6 Responses to “doctor, please supersize my…”
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note to self: slightest touch.
(good back up plan)
btw, how’s the louse in the house?
No louses to report…though I’m still rubbing my scalp on the banisters and such. Turns out the power of suggestion is a great catalyst for insane itchiness!
Didn’t cce explain that the House Louse prefers the moniker “Better Half”?
and this is the reason for living in separate dwellings! you know by now that he’s not going to start doing the very simple things you suggest that might improve his odds (and yours) of getting off TOGETHER! of course, i still need to solve the problem of sleep deprivation and lack of self care due to sleep deprivation which leads to thoughts like “i’m in no way ready to get naked with anyone anytime soon.” yes, am 4 months post-pardum.
as for the suggestion of vaginal mutila…i mean rejuvenation… well isn’t that a new and creative way to make women feel bad about their bodies sending them (and their wallets) into the arms of oh-so-caring plastic surgeons who happen to be male.
vaginal mutilation indeed. Not too many women out there offering to supersize a persons privates…suspicious, no?
I came over from Kristen’s comments where you posted. You know really I think our sexual organs aren’t exactly beautiful to begin with….so I could care less what shape mine is after lovely moments such as pushing an 8 lb bowling ball out.
Not only that, but I can’t imagine turning in some medical leave papers @ work…the dr has to sign them & put the surgery you’re having. YIKES!